I pray every day — so why am I still depressed/anxious?

First off, I would like to begin the blog by reminding you that you are human, healing is a process, and that this is a personal blog from a woman who spends her time in prayer, meditation, and observing the world in her own way.

I’m going to clarify my beliefs based off my experience with depression and anxiety. Something which I am still working on till this day.

I was never diagnosed by a doctor with depression or anxiety… but I am super sure that if I ever walked into a doctor’s office and explained my thoughts and actions, they would have definitely diagnosed me and offered treatment. I was embarrassed to share my true thoughts and feelings with anyone, including doctors, because I figured I’d be called crazy, not a true Christian, and become more isolated than I already was.

I turned to God for therapy. I remember writing letters to Him regarding my thoughts and feelings, I remember asking Him “Why? Why not just end my life today or tomorrow?” I remember watching Joyce Meyer’s and Joel Osteen and hating how prideful they seemed yet loving the words they were saying. I remember forcing myself to listen to uplifting music, forcing myself to write down positive thoughts, refraining myself from music, movies, and people who made me feel sad in any way, and reading positive/uplifting books and quotes throughout the week. I also remember being sick and tired of uplifting and positive things. It felt fake, as if I was being lied to, and as if I was wasting my time.

“I’m sick of always having to think positive. I’m sick of always having to force myself to look on the bright side. I’m sick of always TRYING. I try, I lose, and then I have to start over again. I don’t want to TRY any more, I just want to BE.”

These were my fights with God starting back in 2014. 6 years later and all that “trying” has become my lifestyle. My life is not picture perfect, but it is absolutely beautiful, and I find myself absolutely beautiful (because of who God has created me to be). Of course, AS HUMAN, I forget it at times… but the truth always comes back to me.

Now that I look back at the years, I understand the process God had to play out for me.

First, rock bottom began my relationship with God. I was so shut down that I had absolutely no where to go. I had no choice but to actually reach out to God and depend on a response. I had friends and family but that didn’t mean I was brave enough to tell them “Hey, I’m legitimately thinking of killing myself in a few days if something doesn’t change in my life.” I knew 1 of 3 things would have happened.

  1. I wouldn’t have been taken seriously which would have caused more pain,
  2. They would have forced professional treatment on me which I hadn’t wanted, or
  3. They wouldn’t have had any answers to help me… so why would I have informed them if it would’ve been left at a dead end?

Second, Detox. He had to cut certain things from my life that were doing me no good. Did I cry over it because of the little faith I had and because I couldn’t see the big picture? Of course, I did. (Again, I’m human, one that has a lot to learn)

Third, Clarity. He had to get started on cleansing my heart, mind, and soul by overpowering the lies I had learned and taught me His truth.

My depression came from not truly believing God existed. He was more of a “lifestyle” to me or something that I was “used to” instead of really knowing He existed. Once I clearly understood that God was real, the words from the Bible came to life. Once I understood God loved me unconditionally, I realized that anything “terrible” that was happening to me wasn’t too terrible because God wouldn’t allow for my soul to be taken. I was financially unstable, single (which seemed like a horrible thing), uneducated, and viewed as less due to the worldly standards of “who is great and who is not great based off finances, education, marriage/family, and looks.” Which is something the enemy uses to distract us, causing pain to our hearts and minds, which drains the soul. The enemies target is not your circumstances or anything in this world… he only uses these things because he knows how consumed we are by them. The enemy uses these things to target our soul into depression and anger… it’s our soul that both God and the enemy are after. I realized that I could be living in a box with little to no food, and as long as I could give my soul to Christ, things would be okay.

I was very stubborn, though. Years ago, I would think words such as “So, I have to settle for a crappy life and choose to have a happy soul.” Words like that closed me out from Gods greatness.

God wants you to see and feel the true meaning of life, but you’d have to be willing to risk it all. By doing this, though, you are becoming free. Free of the lies that are taught to you, free of the standards the world places, free of the anger, free of anxiety, and free of the depression. And with that freedom comes success to living the life God has intended for you to live — which is not being alone, not living in a box with little to no food, and not having the urge to take your life away.

Gods truth (which is found in the Bible and through prayer) is that YOU were created for a purpose, and with God, you can seek out that purpose, you can put that purpose to work, and you can live every day joyfully because of this purpose.

Your focus needs to be shifted from the problems in life onto your capability, your passion, your contribution to the world, and allow God to be in control of all those things that have been hurting and damaging you. God’s truth tells us that His love is unconditional, that He is on our side, that we should not fear because He is with us, that we should not worry because he’s got it under control, and that worldly standards are nothing but distractions from the life God wants us to truly experience. A life of love and happiness is waiting for you as soon as you realize that God IS real, and His LOVE is real, and therefore nothing can harm your soul.

John 3:16 (For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life.) (this verse goes even deeper than heaven and hell. It applies to our lives here on earth as well.)

Ephesians 2: 4-5 (But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.)

Begin the process, trust the process, enjoy the process.

1st Corinthians 7:7

1st Corinthians 12: 6-10

1st Corinthians 12: 27-31

1st Peter 4:11

Psalm 36:7

Psalm 109:21

Galatians 2:20

1 John 4: 9-10

Romans 5:5 (just read all of Romans)

Romans 5: 8

Romans 8:28

Romans 8: 31-32

Romans 8:35

Romans 8: 38-39

Romans 12: 6-8

Colossians 1:16

Jeremiah 29:11

Matthew 6:33

Proverbs 19:21

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